all the ghosts

I just woke up. it's 2:17 in the morning. I ended up filling several sheets of graph paper with some terrible drawings and working a bit on that first electronic piece I mentioned. It's really scary to wake up and have it be "late." I don't have any sort of schedule, so it shouldn't matter, but I can't help feel that I'm losing touch with things by getting into this really dissociative routine. Victor says I'm playing isolationist, but I didn't even originally think of it that way. It was just too hard to stay at home and let Sylvia's death pin me to my bed, thiking "what next?"

It is really lonely though. It's easy for a few hours to remember what it was like as a child to have a lot of time alone, playing, learning. I retain focus on one task and follow through. Before it was with K'nex. Now it's with computers, books, and music. Music is probably the hardest. It flows the easiest sometimes, but so rarely is that comfort level there when it was like building a ferris wheel on the livingroom floor out of plastic rods.

But that difficulty is more the case with guitar-based music. With electronic music, I have a clean slate. I don't know anything about how to make it, so it's new and exciting. Every 'breakthrough' I make with it has probably been done to death by others, but I don't care - my girlfriend died of rat shit poisoning and I'm in a submarine. And I'm managing to have fun. On ubuweb I found a nice little treat that Sylvia used to talk about. I'm using it for this electronic thing, although I feel like I'm surgically implanting greatness by doing so.

More things I found out today: "The Morale" is a band name out of Michigan. “Today is Everyday” (the name of my gmail and my intended title of this blog) is a line which appears throughout many life-affirming web pamphlets and is the title of a few blogs. There is even one on blogspot where this blog is hosted.

The idea of the phrase “Today is Everyday” as having some sort of zen, postmodern significance occurred to me a while back when playing some game with Anton about how some sentences were intrinsically true, but not necessarily obvious upon first reading or listening. Additionally, if today =everyday, there is the connotation that today is the culmination of days past and future, not just that today happens everyday. These days, and moreso with each passing one, today is everyday. It could be that every day we get older and closer to death and that an infinite amount of data is born and dead in a single day, but so much that I could never hope to be aware of it all. The fact that several other sources have used this phrase and possibly created it independently of each other sort of strengthens that idea. I'll have to look more into it... I remember reading about some phenomenon where several people in different places invent or do something at around the same time without having any communication between them.

Tomorrow I will make a list of goals.
Tonight, I will take kava and read more Borges.